


Losing My Religion

by m_squared



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-03-11 04:28:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3313952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_squared/pseuds/m_squared
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Delphine lost her faith long ago, but with little hope left in Germany, she finds herself returning to her roots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Aber du weißt den Weg

Delphine pulled the collar of her coat higher on her neck as she walked quickly up the stairs of the old cathedral. The soft music and warm light escaping from under heavy oak doors provided a sharp contrast to the cold Frankfurt winter winds, which were driving the rain sideways. With one last look over her shoulder, Delphine grasped the old iron handle and heaved the door open, immediately greeted by booming hymnals and scents of candles and incense. She shook out her umbrella quietly and crossed into the nave and takes a seat in one of the pews closer to the back.

The irony that she would find solace in religion back in Europe was not lost on the scientist. After all, it had only been a few years prior that she had made her mother cry by refusing to attend Christmas mass while home for the holiday. Her parents had always supported her passion for science and exploring the mysteries of the universe. However, they had hoped that by dragging her to mass each Sunday morning for the better part of her adolescence, she would still maintain the belief that some things can only be explained by a grand creator. Delphine closed her eyes, remembering the last conversation she had with her mother

_“Delphine, I don’t understand why you can’t believe in both science and God.”_

_“Maman, we have had this conversation. It has nothing to do with science; I just can’t find a way to wholly believe in something I can’t prove.”_

_“But can you not believe in something you can’t disprove?”_

_“Maman…”_

_“I know. I am sorry. I just want our family to be together in heaven, ma petite.”_

_Heaven_ , there was no way she would go there even if it did exist. Delphine felt tears begin to well in her eyes. If her family knew what she had done, what her beliefs had blinded her to, how she had failed; she doubted they would ever forgive her. Her throat swelled with emotion as her thoughts continued down the dark path she always found here. Frankfurt was not so far from Lille, a few hours by car or train, she could easily go and  see her parents but she had no desire to. Her whole reason for being, for her life itself, was probably lying in the cold ground of a Toronto cemetery. A sob racked her body as the music softened transitioning into the next hymn.

The church was less than a quarter full, weeknight _Taizé_ meditations drew a much smaller crowd than normal Sunday mass, and her cries echoed off the high ceilings and walls of the cathedral loudly but no one paid her any mind. She was fairly certain that she was quickly becoming known as the weeping woman amongst the weekly petitioners, but she did not care. This was the only place she found she could think clearly. Here, surrounded by the soft candle light, the incense, and the gentle, repetitive hymns drifting through the air, Delphine found she could clear her scientific mind enough to reach out into the unknown and beg for a favor. She leaned forward onto the kneeling rail, closing her eyes and resting her hands gently together, and began.

_Please, I do not know if you exist or not. In fact, for most of my life I had adamantly thought you did not, and I know that I have no place to ask this of you, but there is someone I love with my whole heart and I cannot help them, so I am reaching out to you. If you can save my, my Cosima, I swear I will never doubt again. I know I cannot atone for the mistakes I had made in the past, they have been far too large, I am not asking for my own salvation but for that of the one I love most dearly. Please, please, please…_

Delphine did not truly know to whom or what she was directing these pleas. Perhaps it was the Catholic God of her childhood, or something more abstract. All she knew was that she concentrated all of her heart and soul into those three words over and over again each week, _please save Cosima_. As she repeated her petition, her sobs lessened. She focused solely on her lover’s face in her mind’s eye: beautiful, radiant, glowing with life and love. Delphine had never met someone so full of life and curiosity, Cosima was a force of nature that came into her life and changed its very purpose. Her thoughts drift to a night not long after Cosima had revealed she was sick.

* * *

 

_They were in Delphine’s apartment, quietly passing the time. Delphine was seated at her computer desk, typing a report. Cosima had been sprawled out on the couch flipping through a favorite childhood book of Delphine’s, one of few personal items she took with her to_ _North America_ _. As Cosima turned the pages, a handmade, paper cross decorated with pressed flowers fell out. Picking it up, she turned to Delphine._

_“Delphine, are you religious?”_

_Delphine looked up, startled by the question. She saw the cross and felt herself begin to redden; this was a topic she usually tried to avoid if possible._

_“Why do you ask, mon amour?”_

_“I’m just curious, I assume you were probably raised Catholic but then again France has a bit of a tumultuous relationship with their Catholic heritage so I could be way off here.”_

_Cosima’s hands which had been playing with the cross quieted, awaiting clarification from Delphine, who turned her attention back to her report._

_“Non, you are correct. My family is actually very religious.”_

_“And you?”_

_Delphine inhales sharply, she hates having to explain how she can be both certain and unsure of something simultaneously, but then again, if anyone would understand it would be Cosima._

_“Honestly, formal religion and the idea of a god, I do not think that is something I believe in, but it is difficult. As a child I enjoyed going to mass mainly because of the music, and for so much of my life I was told that these are how things are, that there can be both the natural and spiritual worlds, by my parents, pastors, and teachers. Even as a child I could not just accept their stories, I always wanted empirical proof. It is actually one of the reasons why my family and I are not very close. So, while I think many of the lessons of Catholicism are valid, I cannot bring myself to believe in anything supernatural, rather just the good code of conduct: treat others as you would like to be treated, you know?”_

_Delphine finished her explanation with her face turned towards her hands. She felt vulnerable and a little embarrassed but she wasn’t sure why. Cosima sensing this softly walked to the desk, forcing Delphine to meet her gaze._

_“I totally get it. Yeah, like I would say I’m spiritual, I believe in good vibes and karma and all that. I really like Buddhist and eastern readings and philosophies. I’m intrigued by Christianity, Islam, Judaism, all their similarities and attempts to explain natural phenomena. But, like, when it comes to the big man upstairs, I don’t know. I think the idea of religion is beautiful and I enjoy reading about it, but I have a hard time with all the inconsistencies and paradoxes, and definitely how it is abused as justification for terrible actions.”_

_Cosima paused, looking at Delphine sheepishly before continuing._

_“Plus, as a scientist I’m always looking for the ‘ok, but where is this coming from,’ you know, the natural explanation of things. And while I’m not a believer in intelligent design or anything, I constantly find myself in awe of what nature has done to create this beautiful world. Maybe I should say I’m a spiritual naturalist!”_

_Delphine laughed at her lover’s ramblings, but did not comment. She knew Cosima well enough to know her point had not been made yet. Cosima meanwhile continued pacing Delphine’s apartment, arms illustrating the arguments she was verbalizing._

_“In the end, I don’t think they’re that different, science and religion, or that they even need to be separate. But I don’t like, ascribe to once specific religion. I guess I would rather just focus on being a good person, you know? No dogmas or canon to follow, just being nice to other people and…”_

_She pauses, turning and walking away from Delphine, “as cheesy as it sounds, hopefully making a difference so when my time here is over I have no regrets.” She finishes quietly, fiddling with a small sculpture on the bookshelf._

_Delphine is silent. The gravity of Cosima’s statement momentarily roots her to her chair. Slowly, she pulls herself to her feet and walks to the smaller woman, gently pulling their bodies together. She kisses Cosima’s forehead lightly and then pulls back to look in her eyes._

_“Cosima, listen to me. You are the best person I know. You are so loving and so kind. You are constantly trying to make sure that everyone you care about is happy and safe and supported. You are accepting, understanding, and fair. Your passion for knowledge and teaching is unmatched, and you are so patient in how you teach others, it is obvious how much you want them to enjoy learning as much as you. I have no doubt that everyone who encounters you in life feels the same way and that you make a very deep impact. Je t’aime Cosima. Toujours et toujours.”_

_Cosima’s eyes are glassy with the danger of falling tears and Delphine pulls her closer allowing the smaller woman to bury her face in the crook of her neck._

_“I love you too.”_

_Cosima pauses, taking a deep breath to steady herself before speaking softly._

_“I’m not ready for my time to be over…”_

* * *

 

Delphine is jarred from her memories by the realization that someone has slid into the pew behind her. Slowly, she sits back from her kneeling position and tries to view the person in her peripheral but before she can, a familiar voice reaches her ears.

“I am sorry to interrupt you, Dr. Cormier. I must say, I did not take you to be a religious woman.”

Delphine does not turn around; she does not want this woman to see her splotchy cheeks and bloodshot eyes.

“I am not, Mrs. Sadler. However, I find the music and atmosphere a comforting place to reflect.” She responds tersely.

“Ah, yes. Well, I imagine you are reflecting on life back in Toronto, specifically Cosima?”

Delphine’s back stiffens at Cosima’s name. She is barely able to choke out the question that burns in her throat.

 “Is she…”

 “She is alive, Delphine, if that is what you were going to ask, but I am not sure how much time she has left. I am here to bring you back to Toronto.”

“ _Quoi?”_

“I’m bringing you back to Canada, love; you’re the best shot Cosima has now that Duncan is dead. She has the sequence, but needs your help. I’m sorry; I can’t give you any more details, we need to go now.” 

Delphine is silent, her brain operating at lightning pace. She is going home. Duncan is dead. Cosima is alive, but for how long? What happened to Rachel? How did Siobhan find her? Is this a trap set up by DYAD?

“Delphine; we need to go, are you ready?”

 She quickly decides that the questions no longer matter, all that matters is getting back to Cosima.

 “ _Oui,_ I am ready.”

 With shaking hands, Delphine collects her belongings and silently follows Siobhan.

_Please mon amour, hang on, I am coming home._

 


	2. Gloria

Delphine’s eyes drooped with exhaustion as she sat at the beat-up kitchen table. Unsure of what to do with her body, she played with the ring she usually wore on her right hand. The pop and crackle of the record player mixed with the gentle whistle of the kettle Mrs. S had placed on the small oven. The lyrics drifted in softly from the front room, “ _Jesus died for somebody’s sins but not miiiinnne.”_ Mrs. Sadler certainly has a sardonic sense of humor, she mused to herself.

“Tea?” Mrs. S asked, sliding into the seat next to Delphine and setting a steaming mug down in front of her.

“Oh, yes, thank you.” She forced a tentative smile.

They had been traveling for almost a day now and the two women had said no more than a dozen words to one another, due in no small part to S’s insistence that they were not seated together for any leg of their journey. Siobhan had taken the liberty of breaking into Delphine’s modest apartment and grabbing her passport prior to arriving at the church, so they had been able to catch the night train from Frankfurt to Paris. From Paris they had flown to Chicago, where S had arranged for a driver to take them to the old, dark apartment that they were now seated in, face to face for the first time in 20 hours. For a few moments that was all they did, sit, quietly listening to the music in the background, warming their hands around their mugs. A few times Delphine attempted to start a conversation, but the moment she would open her mouth she found herself lost for words.

“The bathroom is down the hall, the room you can sleep in is just past it. Once you finish your tea I suggest you try to get some rest. I assume you can drive a car?”

“Yes, unlike Cosima, I am quite the competent driver.” 

Both women smiled, well aware of the dread headed scientist’s poor driving record.

“Good, the drive to Toronto is less than 8 hours, but I would prefer to switch off, it will be faster that way.” Siobhan rose from the table. “If you need me, I’ll be sleeping in the front bedroom. Be ready to go before dawn.”

The realization that she would be seeing Cosima in less than twelve hours hit Delphine like a tidal wave. Looking up at the older woman, she smiled timidly, “Siobhan, thank you,” the sincerity of her gratitude hanging in the dark of the kitchen.

Siobhan stiffened and turned. In the background she registered the sound of the record coming to an end. The air in the now silent apartment became icy as Siobhan looked down at the younger woman and began to calmly recite the words that she had been biting back since first stepping into that church.

“Dr. Cormier, make no mistake, I am not doing this for you. I am doing this for Cosima and her sisters. If there was any other option I would not be here with you now, but there isn’t.”

Delphine is taken aback by the shift in the older woman’s demeanor. “I never meant –“

“That’s the problem, Delphine; you never meant to do anything.” Siobhan hissed. “The damage you’ve caused is all a result of your passivity. It is what makes you so dangerous to these girls, your combination of blind ambition and naiveté; you’re the perfect pawn. Let me ask you something, have you always been so hopelessly unaware as to what is happening around you?”

Delphine’s eyes sting with tears, her hands balled into fists with the rage she feels, not towards Siobhan, but towards herself. She couldn’t deny the truth to S’s words; she had failed Cosima and her sisters, time and time again. Fooled into thinking she was doing the right thing, but ultimately being used for more harm than good.

“You think I don’t know this, Siobhan? You think I don’t hate myself every day for the pain that I have caused? I wish I could change what I have done, what I allowed to happen, but I can’t!” The strength and fire of her voice surprises both women. “I do not expect to be forgiven for the pain I have caused, I certainly will never forgive myself, the only reason I am coming back with you is to try to save Cosima. I do not expect to be let back into her life, or accepted by your little “clone club.” I am coming back to try and fix my mistakes and then I will be gone.”

“So that’s it, you’re just going to give up?”

Delphine sits silently, damning the angry tears that stain her cheeks. Angrily she wiped at her eyes.

Mrs. S continues, “You know Delphine, despite my opinion of your ethics, I really never doubted that you loved Cosima or that your actions, while stupid, were well intentioned. But now…”

With that statement, Delphine’s rage boiled over. “How dare you question my affection for Cosima, you don’t know me.” She whispered her voice filled with venom, eyes bright with fire.

“Then why not fight for her?”

“I don’t deserve her, I’m a danger to her. You said it yourself.” Delphine recites mockingly.

“Well that may be true, but the truth of the matter is she loves you, and it will kill her to have you push her away if she wants you.”

Delphine feels her energy draining from all of her limbs. The thought of hurting Cosima again, especially if she cannot save her destroys Delphine to her core.

“You’re contradicting yourself. What do you want from me, Siobhan?”

“I want you to wake up Delphine! Grow a backbone, learn from your mistakes, and be better! It’s not that bloody difficult! Don’t run away! You’ve been gone for over a month and you can see it in that poor girl’s eyes every day, how much she misses you. How much is hurts her that you aren’t here. Cosima _needs_ you, are you going to be able to be there for her?”

After a long pause, Delphine manages to choke out a quiet “yes.”

Mrs. S studies the broken woman before her. Her golden blonde curls are dark with dirt and grease, her face stained with drying tears, eyes bloodshot from exhaustion, yet matching the older woman’s gaze with determination.

“I love her and will do whatever she wants, whatever she needs from me, but that is her choice, I will do nothing to convince her otherwise.”

Mrs. S smiles, “Perhaps there is hope for you yet chicken. Best get to sleep, you look like shit and we have a long day ahead of us.” And with that she exits into the hallway, wondering if she had underestimated this woman all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack for this chapter was Patti Smith "Gloria" if you were wondering what song S put on.


	3. Somebody to Love

Cosima squints, trying to refocus her eyes on the words illuminating her computer screen: _Transgene expression diminishes as a result of elimination of virus-infected cells by class I-restricted cytotoxic T cells._ “Fuck it,” she sighs, pushing her glasses up and rubbing her eyes. She readjusts her cannula, securing the tubes and breathes as deeply as her damaged lungs allow.

The door to the loft slides open and Felix sashays in, arms loaded with groceries.

“How’s the sciencing, Cos?” he asks drolly, making his way to the small kitchen.

“Oh you know, just trying to figure out what the risks are of still dying if we go ahead and try this gene therapy thing without an actually doctors, let alone an immunologist.”

“So, so far so good?”

“I’d say I have about a 56% chance I won’t fuck it up, so that’s promising.” Felix’s head snaps up and Cosima can’t help but laugh, “Relax. Serious answer: it’s going ok, but I am worried about the long term effects if this doesn’t work as planned.”

She gathers her laptop in one hand and uses her other to tug on her oxygen tank. Felix watches her, debating whether or not to offer to help. As if reading his mind, Cosima glares at him, “I can walk ten feet, Felix.”

He rolls his eyes, smirking, and returns to unloading the groceries. “So when you say long term effects, do you mean like getting sick again?”

“Yeah, that for sure.” She places her laptop on the small counter and settles onto a barstool. “There’s a solid chance that this won’t be a permanent fix if we can’t get the therapeutic DNA to stick. Plus, gene therapy is still like relatively new, and there are some pretty serious risks associated with the procedure.”

“Risks higher than your imminent demise?” He teases.

“Ha ha, but yeah, kinda. Like, there are worse ways to die than hacking up your lungs and eventually drowning in your own blood.” Cosima flashes a shit eating grin, enjoying the shocked look on Felix’s face.

“Oh god, Cosima, that’s not funny, that’s disgusting. I mean really, the visual.”

She laughs, “But seriously dude, immune systems are fickle; case in point, what mine is doing to me now. And there is definitely a possibility that my body will reject the therapeutic DNA and who knows what will happen then. Not to mention we’re going to be introducing it via a virus and because my immune system is already working to kill me it’s a bit worn out, so I could just get sicker…” her voice tapers off and she stares blankly at her hands.

Felix can tell whatever humor Cosima was managing to see in this situation is quickly fading as it becomes more evident that she is running out of time and out of options. He reaches his hand across the island and lightly squeezes the clone’s ring clad fingers, breaking her trance.

“Cosima, I can’t say it’ll be ok because I don’t know if it will, but we are all here for you.”

Cosima can feel her eyes begin to burn with the threat of tears, “Thanks Fe.” She clears her throat before continuing, “Just kinda sucks that Delphine isn’t here. I mean, Scott is helpful, but the whole brilliant immunologist thing would be really great right about now.” At the mention of Delphine, Felix pulls back and reaches into a smaller, unbranded paper bag.

“Well, what do you say we forget your bitch of an ex and we do some less depressing science?” Felix asks, a mischievous grin plastered to his face as he pulls out the contents of the bag.

Cosima’s eyes light up again and her face splits into a grin even wider than Felix’s as she looks from the small plastic bag Felix is holding to the groceries he has laid out on the counter.

“By science do you mean baking? Because if so, I am TOTALLY in!”  The scientist giggles excitedly, motioning for Felix to hand her the baggie, which he does readily. “Oh my god, Felix, this smells awesome!”

“Courtesy of Ramon. Turns out Alison’s connections are better than my own! Who would have guessed?” Felix searches for a mixing bowl and baking tray, while Cosima looks over the ingredients: brownie mix, extra chocolate chips, eggs, and coconut oil.

“You use coconut oil when making special brownies?” She asks bemused.

Felix sets down the one bowl he managed to find and shrugs. “Tetrahydrocannabinol is fat-soluble. Coconut oil has a higher saturated fat percentage than butter or margarine, which makes for more potent stuff. Plus, it takes way less time.”

“Look at you, Mr. Dawkins! Or should I say Dr. Dawkins, breaking out all that chemistry talk!”

“Unlike my sister, I did pay attention sometimes in school, Geek Monkey.”

“Oh yeah? They taught you how to extract THC from bud in high school chemistry?”

“They do when you’re shagging the chemistry department’s student teacher!”

Cosima shrieks with laughter and slams her hand down on the counter,” You did NOT!”

“Oh, but I did!”

“Dude, that’s awesome.” She motions for a high five, which Felix begrudgingly offers her, mirroring her smile.

Still smiling, he slaps his hands together, “Alright my little stoner scientist, let’s get started, shall we?”

* * *

 

**Three hours later**

“Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! YES! I hate when that happens!” Cosima yells and excitedly hits Felix’s arm to demonstrate her agreement. “It’s like, you could tell I was hitting on you, you flirted back, why are you so surprised when I made a move!?”

“Straight people are boring Cosima, you have to spell everything out for them.”

Humming her agreement, Cosima flops back onto the bed of blankets and pillows they created in the middle of the loft while waiting for the brownies to kick in.

“Delphine totally did that by the way.”

“What?”

“Freaked out when I kissed her. She just straight up left.”

“Well she’s an idiot, we’ve established this.” Felix sighed, reaching for the bowl of chips between them.

“Yeah, but she’s great in bed.” Cosima turned, smirking at Felix and popping another bit of brownie into her mouth.

Felix’s eyes narrowed “Have you told her that, because last I’d heard you’d insulted her abilities, Miss ‘it showed!’” 

Cosima’s pale face immediately flushed with color. “To be fair, I was angry with her when I said that, and she is aware as to how I feel about her skill set now. She’s a quick learner.”

“Uh huh.”

“I mean, not to like brag, but I’ve been a few girls’ first and she definitely wasn’t the worst.”

“Clearly not if you kept going back to her…” Felix states before thinking about what he’s saying. There is a moment of embarrassed silence between them.

She turns her head towards him, her eyes glassy with effects of marijuana and shame. “I know you all think I’m a little pathetic that I couldn’t just let her go, especially with what happened with Kira, but I really love her you know? She’s not a bad person; she’s just a little…”

“Naïve? I know, love.” Felix reached out and gently stroked Cosima’s shoulder. 

“Yeah.” She sighed and looked back at the ceiling, losing herself momentarily in the atmospheric beat of whatever record Felix had thrown on.

“Cosima?” he asks, playing with the sleeve of her multicolored sweater.

“Hmmm?”

“Have you ever been in love before? Like before Delphine.”

She opens her eyes and turns once again towards Felix. “I know I’ve thought I was before. You know, total infatuation with my high school girlfriend, same thing with my college boyfriend, both ended because I was moving away for more school. Then I guess after undergrad, nothing really stuck. I took a year off after my first year in grad school to go back pack through Southeast Asia. That year turned into a few when I decided I would subsidize travel costs by teaching, so I lived in Cambodia for a while. There was a guy I really liked there, John, a British ex-pat, rugged but sensitive.” She giggled as Felix poked her sides.

“Got a thing for Europeans, Cos?” he teased.

“I guess so! You would have liked him though Felix, he was an artist, a photographer. He was doing a piece on the effects of the Cambodian genocide on the art community.”

“Sounds depressing.”

“It was but it was also beautiful, he was really talented.” She sighed. “But, outside of his art and the sex, I didn’t feel any, like, deeper connection.”

“So then what? You come back to the states and start school again?”

“Yeah, I kind of refocused, decided my PhD. was what I really wanted, and so I came back and threw myself into my work. I dated casually but nothing like earth shattering, and then with this whole clone nonsense, dating became less and less of a priority.”

“Hmm, sounds lonely.” Felix states this gently, almost more to himself.

“It has been, yeah.” She agrees. “What about you Felix? Are you still seeing Colin?”

“Oh god, I wish! I don’t think he wants anything to do with me after being escorted out of here covered in lube!”

“Oh no!” Cosima can’t help but belly laugh at the ridiculousness of that situation.

“Yeah, but it’s ok, there’s always more where that came from.” Felix smiles, but Cosima can see the sadness in his eyes.

“Maybe I’ll set you up with Scott!” she teased.

“Those brownies must be working, that poor boy is so painfully straight I don’t think I could turn him.”

“Felix, sexuality is a spectrum, everyone is a little gay and you’re basically undeniable!” She grinned and rolled over into Felix’s side, half propping herself up to look him in the eye.

“Well thanks Cos, I’ll think about it.” Cosima’s fangy smile was too cute for Felix to deny. They laid there in the cocoon like warmth of their blanket bed, quietly lost in their own worlds.

“Have you been in love Fe?”

“Me? No, rent boys can’t afford to love darling. Haven’t you seen _Pretty Woman_?”

“Of course! But I think the moral there wasn’t that she couldn’t afford love, it was finding the right guy to pay.” She winks at him and he rolls his eyes.

“I suppose you’re right. Unfortunately, none of my clients seem to have fallen for me to the points where they will fully cover all my expenses, so I don’t see any fire escape declarations of love in my near future.”

Cosima giggles and then quirks her eyebrow, “Would you date a woman?”

“What? Ewww. No! You may be dead center on the spectrum, but I am very far to the boys’ only side.”

“I’m not in the center! I would definitely say I lean more towards the girls’ only side, but if there’s a man that I have a connection with, why wouldn’t I date him?”

“Oh Cosima, you’re so cute!” He laughs and pinches her cheek. She blushes in return, burying her face into his shoulder.

They’re interrupted by a knock on the loft door.

Felix releases Cosima and jumps to his feet, checking the time.

“Shit, that must be Alison!”

“What? Oh yeah! Oh wait, we need to act normal!” Cosima tries to pick herself up off the floor, but between the effects of the weed and her oxygen tank, she fails, flopping back onto the pillows.

Felix watches her attempts, trying to stifle his laughter. “You have all the grace of a baby giraffe Cos. Just stay on the floor, Alison won’t question it.” She concedes, content to stare at the ceiling, listening to Felix clearing his throat, and pulling open the door.

“Oh hello, Ali – holy shit.”

Felix’s change in tone causes Cosima to turn around. Instead of Alison at the door there are two figures, one with gold curls poking out from under her hood.

“ _Delphine…_ ” Cosima whispers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The article Cosima was attempting to read was “Cellular and Humoral Immune Responses to Viral Antigens Create Barriers to Lung-Directed Gene Therapy with  
> Recombinant Adenoviruses” and can be found here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC188865/pdf/692004.pdf.


	4. Take Me to Church

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait between chapters. Please accept this smut as my apologies.

“Delphine…” Cosima chokes out. She briefly registers the fact that she’s trying to stand but her legs won’t support her. Delphine pushes the hood of her jacket back, revealing her face; a small smile plays on her lips, quickly hidden by a row of nervous teeth. Her eyes sparkle with hope despite the dark circles that surround them. She moves to step into the loft.

“Cosima, I –“

“Not so fast blondie. S, what are you doing here?” Felix interjects, stepping in front of the pair, using his arm to block the entryway.

S smiles, reaching out and lowering Felix’s arm. “Felix, why don’t we run down for a coffee and leave these two to catch up.”

He glances back at Cosima who nods. He throws his head back and sighs dramatically, moving to grab a hat and coat.

“Fine, but let’s make it a drink and you’re paying.”

“Sounds about right.” She laughs and moves Felix along as he swings his jacket over his shoulder.

“Cos, you call me if you need anything.” With one last glare at Delphine he disappears down the hall. S leans in and says something quietly to Delphine before following suit, leaving the blonde standing alone in the doorway. The two women make no motion to move, each just staring at one another, unsure where to begin.

“Well you might as well come in. I don’t think I can really walk right now.” Cosima states, her voice harsher than she intends it to be.

“D’accord.” Delphine nods, closing the sliding door behind her. She walks cautiously over to the mess of blankets and pillows on the floor, unsure of where to sit. Cosima sighs and points to the obvious space by Delphine’s feet. The blonde nods, removing her coat and then bending down to remove her shoes before settling cross legged on the floor opposite Cosima.

“So proper, removing your shoes and everything,” the brunette can’t help but tease.

“Yes, well, I didn’t want to ruin these blankets, Felix already hates me enough.”

“Well, with good reason, after all the last time you were here you ruined a few of his things, like this couch…” Cosima flirts despite herself. _Get it together Cosima! Do not just start flirting with her already_ she thinks, trying to wipe the smile from her face. Delphine’s face reddens, and she smiles wide.

“If I recall, that was your fault ma cherie.” Delphine’s stare burns into Cosima’s retinas and the world seems to fade away. The brunette’s cheeks redden and her heart races with the memory of Delphine draped over the couch; her legs hooked over Cosima’s shoulders, her hands pulling at Cosima’s dreads as she moaned her name and pulled the smaller woman closer, begging to feel her deeper.

Cosima cleared her throat, attempting to break up the tension. _God, I am not sober enough for this. Is she really here or am I seeing things?_ She fidgets with her cannula, the tubing suddenly pressing uncomfortably against her face. Her fingers feel clumsy, a side effect of the pot and her overall weakened state.

“Cosima? Do you need help with that?” Delphine asks softly, though her eyes still burn with fire.

“What? Oh, yeah, that’d be great, thank you.” She says dumbly, dropping her hands to her side as Delphine crawls over to her.

The blonde cautiously reaches out, untangling the tube from where it had kinked behind the smaller woman’s ear. Gently, she runs her fingers along Cosima’s cheeks making sure the tube is in place and not pressing too hard. Her hands slide down, cupping Cosima’s jaw, thumbs lights running over warm skin. The proximity is almost too much for either woman to handle.

Cosima’s hands move to Delphine’s forearms as her eyes traced the blonde’s collarbone focusing on the spot where it disappeared below her light blue t-shirt. _This is real. She is real. It is her hands on my face. Her knees pressing against mine. This is real, not a dream._ Tightness began to form in Cosima’s chest, not the familiar tug of a coughing fit, but the hard pull of something deeper.

“I’ve missed you so much Delphine.” She whispers as a tear slides down her face and onto Delphine’s wrist. The blonde immediately leans forward wrapping Cosima in a tight embraced.

“Oh, mon amour, I am so sorry, I should have never left you. I should have stayed.” Cosima feels Delphine’s body heave as the blonde begins to sob. “I should have stayed,” she repeats, her breath coming in heaving gasps. Cosima pulls her tighter and feels Delphine’s hands dig harder into her back, holding her just as tight.

After a while, their breathing evens out. Cosima pulls back, cradling Delphine’s face in her hands. She takes in the woman before her, eyes bloodshot, cheeks blotchy and stained with tears, nose running slightly. She is sure her face is a mirror image but she doesn’t care. Delphine raises her eyes and Cosima gently wipes away a stray tear. Her thumb cutting across the salty path, carving a trail her lips soon follow. She repeats this process of gently wiping, and then kissing, Delphine’s tears away. She continues to kiss her cheeks, Delphine closes her eyes and Cosima takes the opportunity to kiss each eyelid, causing Delphine to giggle. The brunette places a light kiss on the tip of the blonde’s nose before giving her a light nudge and pulling their foreheads together.

Delphine reaches out and traces the path of a dried tear down Cosima’s cheek.

“Not exactly the reunion I had been planning in my mind.” Cosima says chuckling.

“Oh? What did you have in mind?”

“Well, I have a fair amount of time on my hands; just hanging here in the loft so I had a couple of different scenarios that I thought might play out. The first was not so nice. Mainly it involved me reaming you out for leaving.”

“Oh…” is all Delphine can say, she pulls back suddenly feelings very awkward and out of place. Cosima toys with the corner of one of the blankets.

“Yeah, I was pretty angry.”

“That’s understandable. I would be too.”

“But that wasn’t the fantasy I thought of most frequently.”

“No?”

“No. That was like a really dark times fantasy. Most of the time I just thought about having ridiculously hot, crazy makeup sex.” Cosima ends her statement with a wicked smile, her tongue poking out from behind her teeth, her eyes black as the winter night.

“Oh…” Delphine whispers, suddenly finding it hard to breathe under Cosima’s gaze.

“Yeah.” Cosima whispers back, moving forward on to her knees and bringing herself eye level again with Delphine. She reaches out and traces Delphine’s lower lip with her thumb.

“Oh” the blonde sighs, closing her eyes at the contact.

Cosima leans in, her lips barely touching Delphine’s.

“So would that scenario be ok?” she breathes against Delphine’s lips.

Delphine doesn’t bother to respond; instead she reaches around and pulls Cosima’s body flush against her own, tumbling back into the pillows. Cosima’s thigh immediately slips between Delphine’s own, eliciting a small groan from the blonde.

“I take that as a yes.”

“Mon dieu, Cosima, stop talking!” She kisses the brunette hard, running her tongue across her lower lip, begging for entrance which is immediately granted.

Cosima grinds herself down on Delphine’s thigh, moaning softly. She should be embarrassed as to how aroused she is this quickly but she can’t find it in herself to care. Not when she feels Delphine’s hips pressed into her own, her hands roaming along her arms, down her sides, back up to tease her breasts through her shirt. She wonders briefly what to do about the cannula, does she mind it? No sooner had the thought crossed her mind then Delphine pulled back from the kiss. She moves Cosima so she is straddling her lap and sits up.

“I want to feel you.” She whispers, reaching up to gently unhook the tubing from behind Cosima’s ears and slowly pulling it away from her face. She sets the tubes to the side and reaches down to the hem of Cosima’s long sleeve shirt, her fingers dancing along the brunette’s hipbones. She runs her hands slowly up Cosima’s sides, pulling the shirt up with the motion, never losing contact with warm, soft skin. With a final tug, Delphine relieves Cosima of her shirt and begins kissing the exposed skin as her hand reaches for the cannula. She breaks contact to readjust the tubing on Cosima’s face.

“You’re so beautiful Cosima,” she breathes, and Cosima feels as if she will burst from the amount of love she feels towards this woman. Cosima leans in and kisses Delphine deeply, her tongue gently probing her lover’s, their hips rocking softly together. She kisses until she feels lightheaded from the lack of oxygen.

“We may have to go slow,” she confesses, slightly out of breath as Delphine kisses her neck, teeth nicking the skin over Cosima’s pulse point before a warm tongue soothes the bite. The blonde sucks against the same tender spot, drawing a soft moan from the brunette. Deft fingers reach around a muscular back and quickly unhook the simple purple bra covering Cosima’s chest.

“That’s fine; just tell me if anything is too much.”

“Ok.” Cosima smiles and reaches down to pull Delphine’s t-shirt over her head, and then her black and cream lace bra.

“I always liked this bra.” She teases as she slides it down the blonde’s arms.

“Vraiment? You tell me each time you see it mon amour.” Delphine quips back, smirking as Cosima leans forward and slowly takes a pebbled nipple into her mouth.

“Merde, Cosima.” The blonde arches her back and pulls the brunette harder against her chest. Cosima’s tongue works Delphine’s breast, tongue flicking and swirling against the hardened nub, occasionally biting and sucking the whole nipple into her mouth. She works the other breast with her hand, rolling the nipple between her index finger and thumb, gently pulling, and then palming its fullness.

Delphine reaches out and tugs gently on both of Cosima’s nipples at the same time, earning a loud hiss of approval from her lover. She gently moves them with her thumbs, both enjoying the fact that her ministrations are beginning to distract Cosima, and slightly disappointed at the more frequent loss of contact between the brunette’s tongue and her breast. She pulls Cosima up by her chin and kisses her soundly.

Cosima moves her free hand down between their bodies, and slowly slips her fingers under the waistband of Delphine’s jeans. She strokes the soft patch of hair that she finds there, drawing lazy circles through dampening curls. Delphine’s breathing quickens and Cosima pushes further until her fingers find Delphine’s slick, wet heat. She quickly finds the blonde’s clit and begins to lazing trace patterns against it. With pants still on however, it’s difficult to maneuver so she pulls out, causing Delphine to whimper at the loss of contact.

“Pants off!” Cosima commands with a small giggle, making quick work of helping Delphine out of her jeans as Delphine relieves Cosima of her baggy pajama pants.

“Better?” the blonde asks as she gently pushes the brunette onto her back, pulling an extra blanket over them.

“Much.” Cosima responds, pulling at the blonde’s hips until they’re centers are close enough to feel one another’s heat.

“Good,” Delphine purrs, slowly kissing up Cosima’s stomach, she pulls the blanket higher on her body to try and keep Cosima covered. “Let me know if you get cold, ma cherie.” She coaxes before taking a nipple into her mouth.

“Fuck that feels so good.” Cosima practically yells, as Delphine’s mouth continues to work her breast and her hand slides down her body to the apex of her thighs. Just as Cosima had done the blonde traces patterns through the dark curls before moving down further and gently stroking Cosima’s clit.

“Oh fuck!” The brunette gasps, rolling her hips up into the blonde’s hand. She loses herself in the sensation of Delphine’s elegant fingers tracing geometric shapes across her throbbing clit, just enough to tease, not enough to gain release. She regains some sense of brain power and reaches down to feel Delphine.

“I want to come with you.” She whispers to her lover.

Delphine nods and rolls to her side, encouraging Cosima to do the same. Fingers work harder now, applying pressure in firm circles. Their breath becomes ragged, hips working to maintain friction as movements become erratic. Throughout this neither woman breaks eye contact. Delphine’s eyes begin to flutter and glaze, her hips pushing hard against Cosima now.

“I’m so close mon amour; tell me when you’re ready.”

That’s all the encouragement the brunette needs.

“Nggghhuuuughh, now!” Cosima’s eyes slam shut and she gasps as she falls over the edge, feeling her lover tense and falling with her.

In the moments after the loft is quiet, except for their panting and the click of the record player long forgotten. Cosima slowly opens her eyes to find Delphine smiling at her. She grins sheepishly.

“What?”

“Je t’aime.”

“I love you too.”

“Felix is going to kill me.” Delphine states, looking at the mess they have made.

Cosima breaks into a peel of laughter and pulls the blonde close.

“Probably, but I don’t think that’s something to worry about now. Let’s just cuddle ok?”

“Ok.”

Cosima felt the taller woman snuggle closer into her side, both women slipping into a post-orgasm slumber, when she heard voices in the hall. Oh fuck, she thinks right as the loft door slides open and a familiar high pitched voice calls out a greeting.

“Cosima?”

Delphine shoots up and scrambles to pull more blankets over the two women but it's too late.

“Cosima! Delphine?! Lord and butter!” Alison screams, dropping the plate she was holding as her hands fly up to hide her face.

“Uh, awkward, hi Alison.” Cosima giggles, as Delphine hides underneath the blanket and Alison turns to face the hallway where Felix and S are doubled over in laughter.

“Oh, just wait until Sarah hears about this!” Felix manages to choke out between laughs. “Oh and blondie, I’ll be expecting you to be buying me new sheets then yeah?”


	5. Clair de Lune

Cosima’s breathing fell softly against Delphine’s collarbone, warm and even. _She seems stronger_ , Delphine thought, straining to hear any sign of wheezing or distress but finding none. Carefully, she lifted her hand from the brunette’s shoulder and began to lightly play with one of the smaller woman’s dreads, silently rehashing the madness of the last few days. Had it really only been days since she was sitting in that church pew? Frankfurt already felt like a lifetime away.

 

Cosima coughed softly and tightened her grip on Delphine’s waist pulling their bodies closer together. In turn, the blonde moved her hand to Cosima’s back and draws light circles, lulling the smaller woman back into a deeper sleep. She knew she has worn the brunette out.

 

After the initial shock and embarrassment of catching the two women in a compromising position had worn off, Mrs. S had been good enough to take a giddy Felix and shocked Alison back to her house, thus allowing the two scientists the opportunity to continue their reunion in private; an opportunity they had taken full advantage of. Cosima’s stamina was no where near what it used to be, but that didn’t matter, Delphine was content to just lie here in the quiet darkness and feel the warmth of her lover tucked into her side.

 

“S’time is it?” She heard the brunette mumble.

 

“It’s early, my love, go back to sleep.”

 

Cosima sighed contentedly, and snuggled impossibly closer into Delphine. The nostrils of her cannula bumping gently against the blonde’s chest with each breath. The artificial feeling of the plastic a cold reminder that this peace was not made to last, but for now it was theirs and Delphine was determined to not waste a moment.

 

In the soft glow of the moonlight, she watched the gentle rise and fall of Cosima’s nude back. Her eyes traced further soft, to the red sheet barely obscuring the curve of her lover’s ass, hips, and thighs, her gaze ending at the backward shadows “R I M B A U D” that graced the foot of the bed.

 

The Gallery Rimbaud seemed appropriate for the misfits of Clone Club, Felix and Cosima in particular. From what she had gathered from Cosima, the two had a developed a fragile sort of friendship. It was fraught with tension, mainly because of Delphine, but over time the two had become closer and Felix seemed to understand Cosima in a way few others did. They shared a curiosity of the world, and a desire to express their perspective with others, in addition to a love of conscious altering substances. The doctor felt a sudden tug of jealousy towards the Brit: what Cosima did he see? She knew there were things related to the conspiracy that the clone hid from her, but those seemed less important than the knowledge that there may be a part of herself that she hid from the blonde as well.

 

_How is it possible to love someone so deeply in so short a time?_ Delphine found herself asking this question often. _There is no “how” or “why,” there is only Cosima and our love_. She had been surprised to have reached that conclusion so quickly after meeting the quirky brunette, but in truth, she had felt this way before her mind had the words to articulate what she felt. _Spectrum, social biases, what does it matter?_ The decision had been easy as there had been no other choice for her to make. As she had told Cosima, it was never a lie, how could it have been?

 

And now, in this moment, in the quiet of the night, their breathing falling in unison, Delphine knows what it means to feel complete, no matter for how short a time.

 

Three hours later, Delphine stifled a moan with one hand as her other hand flew to her shin which she had just managed to bang into the coffee table. She was attempting to dress herself and leave without waking Cosima, but in the predawn dark, it was proving almost impossible considering the mess they’d made of the apartment.

 

The message had come from Siobhan during their drive from Chicago, “ _Delphine, Marion Bowles and I have negotiated a deal. As you may or may not know, the three of us share a vested interest in keeping the LEDA clones safe, but to do that we are going to need to work together, no matter how unpleasant that may be. We all have a part to play.”_

 

Whether or not she wanted to go, Delphine knew she had no choice, she had to meet with Marion. To find a cure, they needed a lab. After Rachel’s “accident,” Marion had somehow managed to keep DYAD in check, benefits of being a high ranking official within Topside she supposed. But now, Siobhan had mentioned a new threat, _male clones, military, conspiracy much larger than anyone imagined_. It all felt so unfair, how did she get here? What role could she possibly play in this? Her thoughts drifted back to a happier time, her body light with the lingering effects of marijuana, the warmth of Cosima on her legs radiating throughout her being. _You have to love all of us. Then I love all of you_. She had promised Cosima she would love not just her, but all of her sisters, that was her role.

 

As quietly as possible, she grabbed her purse and slid the loft door open. The journey down the stairs and out the front door is relatively quick and uneventful. She had texted the driver fifteen minutes prior and was pleased to find him already waiting in the alley. As she opened the back door, a British accent cut through the air.

 

“And here I thought the spy banging was over, how wrong I was!”

 

Turning, Delphine sees Felix standing outside the door to his building.

 

“Hello Felix.”

 

“What’s going on Delphine? I thought you were lying low? Now you’re leaving?”

 

“Siobhan knows the details, I am sorry, I don’t have time to explain. Please look after Cosima for me.”

 

He eyed the blonde woman suspiciously, noting her more formal attire and the bag draped in the crook of her elbow.

 

“You’re coming back right? You can’t do this to her, you can’t just leave her again.”

 

At the thought of Cosima thinking she’d been abandoned, Delphine softens, her shoulders dropping.

 

“Yes, I promise, I’ll be back. I promise. She spiked a fever again about an hour ago, she said that’s been happening, I left out pills and she needs to drink more water.” She turned back to the car, before deciding to add one more instruction, “Oh, and no smoking today, please.”

 

He waves her off as she shuts the door to the car, there is no need to provide the driver with instructions. With her heart in her throat, she watches the city materialize in the graying dawn, thinking back to the promise she just made and how similar it was to another promise, _je t’aime Cosima, I will never leave you._  


End file.
